Trip with my visiting family to the Zoo (good times, long read and unedited)
Family has been visiting
They picked me up the other day with all of the kids in the car. It was four kids in the same seat & then mine. The vacation travel conditions are different than the hometown minivan. Dad wanted to save the money on the hatchback. If it is tight enough, you don't need seatbelts.
I think they were happy to see me, but they had been vacationing for 2 weeks already and I don't think that vacation was a happy thought. After a certain point of vacationing, nothing is exciting. The earth can split, and dad can do the 'Everybody look the earth is spliting.' Nobody would care. Fathers feel it is their job to note things to their kids as they are passing it- 'look, there is a cow on the street, you missed it.' The kids could care less, they are half asleep, but have to pretend like they care, 'OK dad.' Parents know the kids could care less, but they will always note every landmark, 'I had an ice cream here, I think it was a cone, around 30 years ago when my family visited
now it is a barbershop.' It makes them feel as though they have fulfilled their parental duties of taking their kids on a tour, without a tour guide, for no money. To the parent, it is a more exciting tour, for it is a heritage tour of dad's past.
Family vacations are the perfect way to ruin any child's dream of traveling the world.
I have never seen as many people who wanted vacation to end. The kids were tired. I have noticed that kids do not enjoy vacation. All of that time with the family is tiring. They wake up at 5am to go on a hike. 'I thought it was vacation- shouldn't I sleep.' They were running to 5 different places in one day, because each sibling's needs had to be satisfied. Parents were sleep walking, but still leading the troops, 'We're going to eat, to the zoo, to the Old City of Jerusalem, to the cousins, all today- lets move.' The kids were praying for an end, 'I just want to go back to school, study, take a test- at least I can sleep in school
How many more cousins do we have that I haven't met? I hate family and smiling for people to pinch my cheeks- they are red.'
So, they did not seem too enthusiastic to see me. Maybe I should have pinched their cheeks- they do the bashful smile when you do that. My sister-n-law tried to build up their excitement, 'Look everybody, Uncle D is here.' I got a yawned group 'Hi Uncle D.' They just wanted to know, 'when is this pain over
we met Barney yesterday and we weren't excited
that was a purple dinasour
do you have a gift?'
The trip was to the Tisch Family Biblical Zoo. Does the Tish Family need a zoo? They already have half of the Jewish world. Anyhow, it is good to see that their plaque business is doing well. Thou, they should be more creative and put other stuff on their signs- that is how most sign businesses work. I only wish them more success in their business. In the meantime, please forgive me if I call it The Biblical Zoo. If that is confusing, please understand that The Biblical Zoo, really means the Tisch Family Biblical Zoo.
We made it to the zoo due to luck. The sign from the road was tiny. We made it there by passing the destination and coming back. Those are not good directions. If you have to say, 'you will know when you pass it,' something should be fixed.
Going with family was a different experience than a date. I never expected to be so tired. The kids were skipping everywhere- that is what they do when they are excited. They scream 'horsie' and skip to it. Even if it is a turtle, they like to say horse, with an 'ee' on the end. Their dad was tired as anything- he used to get sleep, but 'now I am father.' He has to worry about his kids all the time. He used to be relaxed, but now he is back dealing with 2nd grade politics, and we all know how difficult it is to trade potato chips for pickles.
I was supposed to be helping with the kids, but I was getting involved in the animals and the signs. [A word of advice: never trust a single uncle with kids- there is a reason we are not married]. I become very interested when I go to the zoo. I start to read and think that I will remember the animal descriptions. Maybe I will be able to share my newfound knowledge about the elephant's appetite or the sleeping patterns of a desert penguin. I start daydreaming about becoming a zoologist, and then I see them cleaning up the elephant exhibit. I do not know what dimorphic means, but I felt educated reading every one of the signs about the habitat and life of species. There was one mom using the zoo as an educational tool- that was the one kid I did not see skipping. My nephews and niece were the uneducated ones, representing the family and their uncle, running thru that zoo and they had a great time being stupid. The educator mom kid was repeating every word after mom, 'tarictic, that was a tarictic bird, what is a tarictic bird? It is tarictic.'
The Biblical zoo was trying real hard to find quotes. They had monkeys with quotes from the Bible like 'And there was life.' It gets tuff finding peacock quotes. The biblical zoo finds something, 'And there was flying creatures.' That is not even a Biblical source, but it is a quote. And we all know that we feel smart when we read a quote.
My 2 year old niece was screaming for a minute- 'Uncle D'- that is all she said. Finally I was able to say 'yes' louder than her, so that she could hear. She had my attention and was stuck. All that came out of her, 'A pig' (no, it was the Biblical Zoo, which translates to kosher zoo- that was a joke). She goes, 'A bird' (in a downer voice). I don't know why they brought her to the zoo. She could have been in a cemetery and had the same good time.
The kids were really excited to see some of the animals, but I, Uncle 'D,' was there to set them straight and protect them. Kids are running to the leopard, 'Look, it is soo cute.' I'm reminding him, 'It eats people.' I don't care if it is true. If an animal is dimorphic, as the sign said, stay away. They knew that they could depend on me to not watch them. Thou, I fealt a need to watch them by the bears. Every time I watch the news, I see a bear holding a kid. 'How Cute.' 'It kills people.' I am the uncle who scares the kids; I give them a real education.
Half of the families in the zoo lost their kids. I know, because there was an announcement every 3 minutes. One kid was announced 8 times. His mom was enamored by the Noah's Ark
Older kids are trying to be cool about everything. 'Zebras- sweet.' This is how they justify having fun in a zoo. They have to pretend like they are not too excited. The lion exhibit was exciting, until we realized the roar was coming from a loudspeaker. The lion was sitting there; apparently they rest all day, unless they are killing. At least the zoo tried to make it seem like there was a reason for the exhibit.
We saw some sea animals. One fish was swimming alone; I guess he was home-schooled. The parents paid a good $10 entrance for each kid, but nothing excited the kids more than the worm. It was on the sidewalk.
Mind you, the day had all started with bathroom time. That took a good half an hour. We thought we were heading out and then mom asked, 'Has everybody gone to the bathroom?' That was the wrong question. They all said 'no,' and lost their Gameboys. This was the first time dad got angry that day (maybe the third- I was not there for wake up time). It was for good reason- he brought these kids into the world. He couldn't hold back- 'You think I am going to the zoo for me? There is no alcohol there
I already have a wife, so I don't need a date. I am doing this for you
you are going to have a good time.' The 'for you' was the shocker, because the kids had no idea what that meant. The oldest expressed his thoughts, 'If you were doing it for us, you would have just let us play Gameboy.' That was when I heard the slap.
It was a great way to relive my childhood in 7 hours, without getting smacked.
David
Off The wall Comedy Empire
posted by OffTheWallComedy at Tuesday, June 10, 2008
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